Home Is Where The Heart Is

Photo: Adriaan Greyling

I got home late yesterday, after four months of either hospital care or nursing home/rehabilitation. I wasn’t sure I belonged at home. Four months away isn’t a vacation, it’s long enough to believe I belonged there. Not the place I discharged from, just care in general.

  • Laundry
  • Breakfast
  • Lunch
  • Dinner
  • Snacks
  • Iced Water
  • Room cleaning/bathroom cleaning
  • Bed made
  • Utilities paid
  • Nursing care/medication management
  • CNA bath/shower assistance
  • Transportation to appointments

This is a short list not including physical or occupational therapy, of things that were done for me, that I’ve forgotten how to do.

So I found myself not wanting to jump right back in, and not just from amputations causing me grief. However, I had to. Had to live again. The good, the bad, or the ugly. Even the ugliest. I had to once again get into life. Into recovery. Into the ‘all the things’ that makes life so endearing.

Yes, that was sarcasm. I use humor as a higher power, to cope with things. Unfortunately it’s not powerful enough for everything. I have to reach out to a loving, caring power greater than myself for the big things. And yes, this transition qualifies as a big thing.

If home is where the heart is, my heart is halfway home. Even if I am smack in the middle of my modest apartment.

I haven’t yet tackled a thing. No laundry, no cooking, nothing. And I am deeply ok with it, for now.

I haven’t even sorted out my meds, beyond insulin. I just took whatever is on the label. I hope it was medication and not rat poison. I was just given a huge supply of whatever I was prescribed, and the insulins were separate, since they had to be cooled.

I even have opiates. That surprised me. I had requested none, in that I had said I did not think I’d need them. Another thing to sort out. Historical evidence strongly suggests I should leave painkillers alone, if it’s not in an environment of care (e. g. hospital).

Opioids have been unsafe at any speed, under my control. It got me through some intense physical therapy under medical care. It’s still scary stuff.

So that’s got to be sorted out. I took a moment looking at this photo, realizing I had a sponsor. People to help sort it out. I will have to dig a little deeper in the recovery community though. I know the battle cry is abstinence at all costs. I also know the people on those front lines don’t all deal with multiple amputations and serious medical conditions.

After all, I was once a happy trooper on those front lines. I even participated in shooting down the hope a cancer patient had, who opted for pain killers in her struggles. 16 years clean, on painkillers? No. You are using. You don’t belong.

I just went along with the mob, judging her, crushing her sense of belonging. I don’t know her outcome but I know mine. I felt like shit for what I did – endorsing sick groupthink. I don’t do that any more.

I digress though. Maybe not. This is a blog of recovery stuff, after all.

In a way, this post is a request for help. I just don’t know how to ask for help all the time.

Help! I just got out of a four month hospitalization. My entire world is at least four months out of date. Laundry is not done. I had to throw away anything refrigerated. I have no idea how to cook for my new condition. I don’t know for sure where my bills stand, many are paid thanks to e-pay, but not all. So help! Please! I guess that’s a good start.

Oh, and help! please! In the sense of support. Can you relate? That’s a good kinda support. Pain shared is pain lessened. Something like that.

Home is where the heart is, but indeed, my heart isn’t quite home yet.

5 comments

  1. Massive change, and a recalibration of how to live this next phase of your life huh? I know you are part of a very supportive group that you’re very proactive in. Maybe its time to get a bit of that support back? Take care, my friend

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I will sort it out. I don’t really need them, and had stopped hospitalized. It looks like the VA just sent my med list from them, cuz there are a couple I’d rarely take like lactalose for constipation 😅 Baby powder for my privates. Someone ordered it.

      Liked by 1 person

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